Balls

I'm bored. Here's a bunch of random cool stuff:

1.
Improv PowerPoint
A sport designed for a man of my particular talents: PowerPoint karaoke. Like normal karaoke, but for consultants.

"If you've never heard of PowerPoint Karaoke, that probably means you're neither German nor a hardcore techie. "

They have a point! And I am all about "the mordant parody of business culture."

2.
Diary of a Functioning Alcoholic.
I like booze. But this article was making me feel pretty bad about myself until I got to page three, the alcohol diaries with exactly what each person consumed during the week.

This was my favorite:

Ruby
Monday Four pints of beer at lunch and in the afternoon. Bottle of wine in the evening

Tuesday Two bottles of wine late afternoon and evening while at home

Wednesday Two bottles of wine, two small glasses of neat vodka while on sofa at home

Thursday Half a litre of neat vodka from 11am through to evening. One bottle of wine at bar with friends

Friday Half a litre of neat vodka during the day. One and a half bottles of wine in the evening at the pub with friends

Saturday Two bottles of wine from lunch to mid-afternoon. Two glasses of neat vodka at night

Sunday Two bottles of wine at home

Total weekly units 153.1

What really blew me away is how much boozing they pack into lunch. This presents a massive growth opportunity for my personal drinking habits.

3.
China's Penis Restaurant
A very angry Chinese woman opened a restaurant that exclusively sells dishes made from male genitalia.

We try the water-buffalo penis first, in thin shavings. It started long and thin, but someone has shredded this noble old chap on a mandolin. It has the texture of squid and tastes of the mild chilli stock it’s been poached in.

We are given three sauces to dip it into - lemon and soy, chilli and soy, and a sesame-seed paste. It’s good, and the penile nature of the meat lends an undeniable frisson of excitement to the meal. I tell the boss that “it’s the first time I’ve had penis in my mouth, but I like it and I’m going to do more of it”. Well, someone had to say it. [Emphasis added]

HAhahuhOHGODWHY...

Um, also, deer penis juice? What.

My own peepee hurt a little after reading that article.

4.
The best-written porn I have ever read
You know it's classy because it's in New York Magazine, right?

So this blog has taken on a weird penis theme over the last few posts. But to enlarge on that, this extremely long and graphically homoerotic W.H. Auden poem is the most poetic description of a blowjob....ever.

I tested its length and strength with a manual squeeze.
I bunched my fingers and twirled them about the knob.
I stroked it from top to bottom. I got on my knees.
I lowered my head. I opened my mouth for the job.

And that's one of the clean stanzas. Wait for the climactic conclusion!

Puns are funny.

Also works as proof I'm straight because it didn't do much for me. Good to know.